“The morg is… somewhat laggy on the topic of gender identity. Start with a basic spectrum from male to female. Now give it another dimension or two. There’s really no set limit to it. The majority of people coalesce in the vicinity of the two biological poles. So to speak.”

It’s February 23 in this timezone now. I guess it means I’m now 22.

I find it ironic that I was born on the day colloquially known as “men’s day”. Doubly ironic given that I was found unfit for the army, much to my delight.

This dream was a “what-if” scenario for Code Geass, in which Lelouch never met C.C. and never received his Geass.

So in the dream, Lelouch and Suzaku found themselves together against Britannia, then were sent into outer space (onto an orbital station?). Meanwhile, C.C. was brought to the Emperor and treated him and V.V. in the same creepy-cool-deadpan manner as Lelouch in the actual show. And still meanwhile, in Area 11, Governor Nunnally proved herself uncooperative with the people backing her, so they tried to replace her with one of themselves and were met with public protests chanting Nunnally’s name.

Ah, artwork of a female Lelouch. I didn’t think I would ever find it.

In all seriousness, Lelouch is already charismatic enough that if I was any less… gynephilic, I would totally fall for him. But a female Lelouch? Yes. Yes! Definitely!

And I can totally see Maia-of-dreams looking like the first picture. With or without glasses, really. Not the second, though — that face is, strangely enough, too masculine even by male Lelouch’s standards.

Among other things I don’t remember, Roland has made sketches of Rollette alongside his real appearance.

Rollette’s face was much rounder.

As it turned out, the day I found enough confidence to resume contributing to Ubuntu was coincidentally the last day before feature freeze. Luckily, I had some upstream version updates of interest to me prepared, so on this last day I’ve updated gtkpod, gtkpod-aac, smplayer, smplayer-themes, and qdvdauthor. Not enough time for REVU, unfortunately, and I regret all the time I missed due to silly personal insecurities.

That’s the public version of the post, can’t really afford to post the other one to a heavily-visited aggregator like Planet Ubuntu.

I guess I’ve burned bridges now, by uploading all this stuff to Ubuntu Jaunty under the Maia identity, and those are just the first few — upstream updates before the feature freeze. This is a point of no return.

I actually added the identity to my GPG key sometime before — in December, I think — but never dared to use it until now, although I had two packages for Debian prepared. There is one feeling that was common to that step — that is, of modifying the key — to the current upload, and to other moments where I was overcoming my mental restraints.

On one hand, it’s breathtaking, as is everything that brings me even a small step closer to my dream. On the other hand, while I’ve grown attached to the name Maia by itself (I whisper it to myself sometimes, or imagine people calling me by it — and on the Internet, some have already done so, to my heartwarming joy)… seeing it next to the feminine version of my legal last name is a different issue entirely — and I still wonder, as I’m writing this, whether or not that went too far.

When I first looked at that combination (mind you, I’ve mentally pronounced it quite a lot), I got a distinct urge to detach myself from that debian/changelog entry. My mind, at first, refused to accept signing my changelogs with that and wanted to pretend it was written by someone else. (My non-existent twin sister?)

Just like with shaving and crossdressing before, there was a part of me that practically screamed, “What the heck are you doing? There’s no way you’re going to do that, because it’s wrong! Wrong!” Apparently it only occurs with situations that have tangible real-life effects. Making confessions on the Internet, even to people I know in real life, doesn’t count as a tangible real-life effect to my internal critic, but a public project of Ubuntu’s scale is a different thing entirely. So are confessions in person, as opposed to a medium in which you can’t see one’s face; so far, I have never dared, even to my closest friends.

I don’t dare to use that name for Launchpad, or (PTB forbid!) Planet Ubuntu. Yet. It may change. I’ve always tried to show moderation and not burn too many bridges in one go.

Some Doctor Who plot, involving me interacting with the Tenth Doctor in a vaguely futuristic building with forking corridors. It involved a temporal anomaly, involving me relaying information from a future version of the Doctor to a past version.

In a relatively recent dream, I was Lelouch trying to escape some kind of grim ghetto that has just been bombarded and left me cut off from my allies. Along the way, I found Ohgi and Kallen, and together we made way through the dark crumbling corridors to what was apparently a child labor factory combined with a school.

I entered through a narrow window-like passage leading to a ramp descending to the factory floor. As I saw the children gather around the ramp, I geassed them to “make way”, and they did as I slid down.

Later on, just for amusement, I geassed a random kid to “drop down your pants and whizz on the teacher”, and he did. It was no doubt inspired by this article.

While I’m at it, the earlier dream’s “ignore me” Geass command gave me the idea for an original Geass power to give to an original character in a Code Geass fanfic that I, in the end, may or may not write depending on the mood.